I am confused. . .

Posts tagged ‘Humor’

Quotes for March 18th

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today.
Will Rogers
I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
Will Rogers

I’m a study of a man in chaos in search of frenzy.
Oscar Levant

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant

I don’t drink. I don’t like it. It makes me feel good.
Oscar Levant

 

 

 

From Twitter: Church Curmudgeon

Church Curmudgeon@ChrchCurmudgeon Mar 28

Do King James Only churches post their sermons on ThouTube?

Church Curmudgeon@ChrchCurmudgeon 24h24 hours ago

Scandal at the National Amateur Handbell Choir Tournament. Looks like the winning team hired a couple of ringers.

Church Curmudgeon@ChrchCurmudgeon Jun 8

If Trump would just identify as a woman, we’d have the perfect storm.

Church Curmudgeon@ChrchCurmudgeon Jun 7

On the positive side, they’ve discovered a new perpetual energy source: All the founding fathers spinning in their graves. #PrimaryDay

Church Curmudgeon@ChrchCurmudgeon Jun 6

First day of VBS, and I got 3 kids to rededicate themselves to staying off the lawn.

Church Curmudgeon@ChrchCurmudgeon Jun 2

This election is pretty much proof that someone went back a million years in a time machine and stepped on a butterfly.

Church Curmudgeon@ChrchCurmudgeon Jun 2

Lady next door uses a 24-hour lawn service. Doesn’t bother me, except when . . . In the midnight hour, she cries, “Mow, mow, mow!”

Yogi-isms

When you come to a fork in the road, take it

We made too many wrong mistakes.

You can observe a lot by watching.

The future ain’t what it used to be.

Nobody goes there anymore; it’s too crowded.

You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

How can you think and hit at the same time?

I tell the kids, somebody’s gotta win, somebody’s gotta lose. Just don’t fight about it. Just try to get better.

Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.


You don’t have to swing hard to hit a home run. If you got the timing, it’ll go.

He also said “I didn’t say all the things I said”

From the Kids

Saw this in an email newsletter I get.  

Today’s CleanLaugh

Children’s Attempts at Hymns

*Children’s Attempts at Singing Well Known Hymns*

Sometimes kids get things a little……well, maybe these came from kids:

– Give us this day our deli bread!

– Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.

– We shall come to Joyce’s, bringing in the cheese.

– Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.

– He carrots for you.

– Bringing in the sheets.

– Yield not to Penn Station.

– Dust around the throne.

– Praise God from whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO

– While shepherds washed their socks by night

– He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

Today’s CleanLaugh

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

– It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

– A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

– If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

– Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

– It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

– When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

– No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

– Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

– When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If they’re villains, they will probably speak with an English accent.

– You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

– Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

– An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

– Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

A Few Items From My Bucket List – 1

  1. Getting thrown to the ground and hand cuffed by JJ on Criminal Minds.

  2. Getting checked into the glass by a tough mean hockey player.

  3. Learn to speed read in Scandanavian

  4. Learn to spell Scandinavian

  5. Sing Karaoke in a gay bar wearing a Japanese kimona.

Technorati Tags: ,,

Tag Cloud